They are inevitable and they are everywhere. It doesn't matter what your job or designation is. You run into them on railway platforms, in queues for payment of bills and sometimes, by mistake, they enter the ladies' washroom at work while sunken in deep thought, before running out abashedly. Men. The ultimate specimens of confusion, humour, annoyance, but mainly, of juxtaposition. True to every top notch product in the market, they are available in various different sizes, shapes and colours. Agreed, objectifying men is wrong. That is one right they hold over us ladies. The point that I’m trying to drive home here is, hate them or love them, but you cannot ignore them. The following are examples of some specific categories of men that I have come across in my almost two decade long existence on this planet.
The Brother from another Mother:
You’re 10 years old and he is the new kid in school. He was rocking the ‘silky smooth hair swept across the forehead’ look years before the Biebs. You are instantly drawn to him. Your girlfriends convince you he’s your first crush, but the voice in your head says otherwise. On Raksha Bandhan day, your art teacher tells boys to draw the sketch of a girl from the class they would like to be their sister and vice versa. You draw unflattering caricatures of one another and thus your story begins. Over the years, he calls you names, teases you to death with boys you don’t even like. He kicks you from under the table in tuition just to distract you as it’s your chance to answer the question. He argues the Bhaji Pav stall owner gave you more Bhajis in your Pav out of partiality and snatches the one in your hand, replacing it with the one that was originally given to him. Years after school too he feels it important that you meet his girlfriend. He updates you on his life from time to time. Looking back, you think of yourself as a fool for complaining you didn’t have a brother (sibling or cousin) close to you in age, relation or distance. You were wrong because you had one all along. It’s just that he was from another mother.
The Resident Heartbreaker:
There’s one of those in every co-ed school. And what too seems to be the set norm is the fact that when you proudly show a picture of him to your girlfriends from other schools, they don’t think he has a morsel of cuteness in him. But that doesn’t matter. In your school, he’s the ultimate jock. He gets given the role of the King in every play every year while others give in to their fate and stand with mount board cut outs of trees and mountains year after year. The other boys refer to him as their future brother-in-law because they are convinced the closest relation they themselves can have with the girls is that of a brother and sister and this jock is going to end up marrying either one girl or the other from class. No, he is not haughty or imposing. But give it some time and another half a dozen girls and he’ll get there. Dating him was kind of a Right of Passage and if you missed out on the opportunity, something terrible is going to happen with you in your future life to come. Now you know why your chappal broke while crossing the road at Linking Road yesterday.
The Man of Your Dreams:
He is the said Resident Heartbreaker’s buddy and you know in your heart that he is a better looker too, but you’re too scared to say it loud in front of the girls. That doesn’t mean you can’t dream about him. Dimples intact and mischievous grin at the ready, you dream of playing tic-tac-toe with this unconventional hero or pray that the paper plane he makes and throws around lands at your desk. Years after school ends too you get juvenile dreams of which he is the centre. Today you may not exactly be in touch with him, but you can without doubt call him a good friend whilst keeping constant tabs on his love life via the internet.
The Rich Spoilt Brat:
This one is a hero in the true sense of the word. He has learned to drive before he’s even of legal age and but of course, drives himself to college. “Oh my God, he was talking about Pokemon in the lab today. How cuutteee,” you hear girls squeak on campus. Everyone knows his name and some girls even know the number on his car plate by heart. He is in the constant company of rugged and sometimes, shady men. If you are a girl who hangs out with him and one of these shady men get too close for comfort, he steps in and like a true knight in shining armour, he saves the day. He is scared of no one. Except his grandmother.
Ode to a Toad:
He is the one you made the mistake of going on a date with. He asks you what you like to talk about so that he could talk to you about that. Everything that comes out of his mouth seems rehearsed in front of a mirror not less than twenty times. In his defence, he hasn’t noticed the awkward silence. So how can we expect him to cover it up? He’s clearly a virgin with silverware and you casually offer to eat the pizza by hand and he gives a disgusted expression that is so strong that you regret saying anything at all. You notice his hands are a little small as compared to his body. But that’s beside the point. The date is coming to an end and he calls for one sizzling brownie with vanilla ice-cream. “Won’t you have one as well?” you ask. To this he replies saying you’re going to share one. SHARE a sizzling brownie? I can have one entirely on my own! Heck, I could have TWO on my own. But for now you just want to pore the one that comes on his head.
The Social Nitwit:
You are really flattered that this one guy at college or work is talking to you for quite a while. He may comment on each of your Facebook activities and you sense something brewing here. But a deeper look may reveal he shares the same level of compatibility with many other girls as well. Now if there is anything at all that I have learned from a chick flick and taken seriously, it is a quote from the movie ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. Justin Long’s character Alex says, “If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen no matter what.” Play the same game he is playing and keep your options open.
The One with Suppressed Chivalry:
This category may include even those men who we do not know. There are some men who will let you enter the lift first and act as though they would have to enter after you anyway as they were standing away from the lift. Then there are those who are nice enough to let a woman driver cut them in line at the petrol pump. But they make it look like they weren’t paying attention when they were told to move ahead. THIS category of men, I personally don’t get. What they want to prove by these ambiguous mannerisms is yet to be deciphered. To them I’ll say just this- Chivalry is a good thing, sillies! Why hide it?
And finally… The ONE:
He will come.
